Divorce is never easy. Divorcing a person who is entitled, lacks empathy, and believes the rules don’t apply to them is even more difficult. It may feel downright impossible.
With the right advice and a strong support team, you can get through it and move on with your new life. Let’s talk about narcissism and divorce and the steps you can take to protect yourself when divorcing a narcissist.
What is narcissism?
An exaggerated sense of self-importance, a belief in one’s own specialness or superiority, arrogance, and a need for admiration are common traits associated with narcissism. Other narcissistic traits include lack of empathy, manipulative behaviour, and extreme sensitivity to even minor criticism.
Many people have narcissistic tendencies, but not every narcissist has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The only way to diagnose a person with NPD is through a clinical exam performed by a qualified expert. Make no mistake, however: a person diagnosed with NPD and a person who displays narcissistic traits can both be very difficult to deal with when things aren’t “going their way.”
How does a narcissist behave in relationships?
While every person is different, there are certain behaviours that are common to narcissists. Narcissistic people are typically very charming and tend to come on strong in
relationships—especially in the early stages.
Narcissists lack empathy and don’t understand the effect of their behaviour on their spouse.
Behind their grandiose sense of self-importance is a fragile self-esteem and easily bruised ego. They never apologize or take responsibility for their actions.
In a relationship, they will engage in manipulation, criticism, and gaslighting of their spouse.
How will a narcissist behave in a divorce?
Narcissists love control and getting their way. They typically lash out and ramp up aggressive, abusive behaviour if they feel that they’re not in control or aren’t getting what they want.
You should prepare yourself for the likelihood that your narcissistic spouse will do everything they can to make ending the relationship difficult, including dragging out the divorce process.
These are some of the tactics narcissists use to complicate the divorce process:
Refusing to negotiate or sign a separation agreement
Refusing to provide financial disclosure
Hiding or lying about assets or debt
Repeatedly postponing or failing to show up for court appearances
Ignoring court orders
Using the court process to harass you
Using children as pawns
Refusing to take their own lawyer’s advice
Taking inappropriate or unreasonable positions
Attempting to turn others against their spouse
Lying to judges, to their own lawyer, in court documents, etc.
How do lawyers who specialize in narcissism help during the divorce process?
If you are ending a relationship with a narcissist, you may be feeling confused, anxious, and even guilty. Your narcissistic spouse’s recurring bad behaviour has likely left you feeling weak and full of self-doubt. It can be extremely difficult to confront or challenge a person who made you feel so powerless.
You don’t have to face your narcissistic spouse on your own. Lawyers who specialize in narcissism and other types of personality disorders take a strong stance on behalf of their clients. They know how to handle difficult personalities and have skills to de-escalate conflict. They can use legal techniques to keep divorce proceedings on track and get to a resolution.
As a divorce lawyer experienced with narcissism and high-conflict separations, I know that narcissists fight aggressively and view divorce as something they can “win.” Over my 30 years of practice, I’ve developed reliable techniques to effectively deal with the tactics *some of which I discussed above) that narcissist almost invariably pull out during the divorce process.
I find that proactive, decisive actions typically thwart a narcissist’s attempts to twist the issues and drag out the process. The key is to use legal strategies customized to the situation. Sometimes, negotiation and mediation are the best approach to dealing with a narcissist. Other times, court intervention is needed to hold a narcissist accountable and get enforceable orders in place (including protection orders). My approach is to work with you to understand the situation and determine the best course of action in your unique circumstances.
How to protect yourself when divorcing a narcissist
There are concrete steps you can take to protect yourself, your children, and your finances, including:
Setting boundaries for communication and only engaging in the level and method of communication you’re comfortable with
Refusing to participate in arguments, insults, criticism, etc.
Gathering financial information and other important documents – these will be needed to back up your family law claims, and may expose lies/untruths told by your spouse
Getting financially ready by saving up as much of a nest egg as possible and opening a bank account and credit card in your own name – this will help you get set up in your new life post-separation and help you resist financial abuse or manipulation by your spouse
Hiring a divorce lawyer experienced with narcissism
Having a family law attorney specializing in narcissism on your side is one of the best ways to protect yourself. It’s never too early or too late to get legal advice and create a plan to resolve family law issues. A skilled divorce lawyer will be an important part of your support network, which ideally will also include your friends, family, and a counsellor or therapist.
Narcissism and Divorce: Help When You Need It
It doesn’t matter where you are in the process of separation or divorce from a narcissist— qualified help is here when you need it. Valerie M. Little is a BC divorce lawyer experienced with narcissism and difficult personalities. Let Valerie ease your stress by helping to resolve issues with your narcissistic spouse as smoothly as possible.
Valerie M. Little Law Corporation is a British Columbia family law firm that is centrally located in New Westminster and serves the surrounding areas of Burnaby, Maple Ridge, Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Vancouver, North Vancouver, West Vancouver, Port Moody, Richmond, Surrey, Cloverdale, Delta, and Langley.
To schedule your confidential appointment, call 604-526-3333 or email Ms. Little today.