The end of a relationship is never easy. The process of separation is even more challenging when the relationship was marked by lies, betrayal, violence, or abuse. In fact, if a spouse or romantic partner seriously violates your trust, it can lead you to experience betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma causes extreme emotional distress. It can significantly impact your ability to participate effectively in your family law case, and it should not be overlooked when deciding important matters such as custody (also known as parenting time) and support issues. In today’s article, we will look at betrayal trauma, including how to identify it, what causes it, and how betrayal trauma and family law intersect.
What is betrayal trauma?
“Betrayal trauma” refers to the lasting pain and turmoil a person experiences after their trust is violated in a fundamental way by a person they rely on for survival (physical, mental, emotional, or financial). Examples include betrayal by a spouse or romantic partner, or betrayal of a child by a parent or caregiver.
The cause and effect of betrayal trauma
The types of persistent betrayal in close relationships that can lead to destabilizing trauma response include:
lies about finances;
infidelity;
physical violence;
sexual, emotional, or financial abuse;
manipulation;
harassment;
threats;
gaslighting; and
neglect.
When someone is betrayed by a loved one, they may respond by pulling away or leaving the person who betrayed them. But that is not always feasible. Reliance on the betrayer is the key factor to the development of betrayal trauma. When a person relies on someone for their basic needs, leaving the relationship in response to betrayal may not be possible. When a person relies on someone for love, protection, and emotional support, walking away from the relationship after betrayal may feel impossible. The victim may feel forced to accept or bury the betrayal because leaving puts their safety or well-being at risk.
Signs of betrayal trauma
Trauma and pain do not just evaporate, even after the victim leaves the relationship. Fundamental violation of trust in close relationships can cause long-lasting damage. While each person experiences the effects of trauma in a different way, here are some of the key signs of betrayal trauma:
Low self-esteem
Shame
Guilt
Numbness
Difficulty trusting others
Mental health issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD)
Insomnia or other sleep difficulties
Physical symptoms including pain and stomach problems
The recovery process after betrayal by a spouse, parent, or significant other takes time. A person who is experiencing betrayal trauma should have support from friends, family, and a good therapist so they can heal, rebuild their sense of self, and establish new, trusting relationships. A trusted, compassionate family lawyer is also a vital source of support if the victim of betrayal is navigating family law issues.
Betrayal Trauma and Family Law
Recovering from betrayal trauma is particularly challenging when there are family law issues to resolve. The family court process can further victimize a person. Their former partner may use the court process to harass or intimidate them. Having to talk about the abuse or betrayal in the court case can be very re-traumatizing.
A victim of betrayal may be further mistreated by the family court system, coming up against laws and judges that don’t protect them in the way they’d expected. A person who has been victimized needs a trusted, supportive advocate on their side. A family lawyer who understands intimate partner violence can assist in many ways, including identifying risk factors, helping develop safety plans, seeking emergency protection orders from the courts, and levelling the playing field by reducing the power imbalance between the victim and the betrayer.
A compassionate family lawyer will allow the victim to feel safe and supported when discussing private, personal issues. A skilled family lawyer understands that violence and betrayal should not be overlooked in the family court process. The court needs to know about violence, abuse, and betrayal so it can make appropriate orders about child-related decision-making by the parents, where the children will live, how the parents will exchange and communicate about the children, and what supports may be necessary for the family. If the betrayal is tied to finances or financial abuse, the court needs to know about it when deciding issues relating to child support, section 7 expenses, spousal support, and division of family property and family debt.
Damages awarded to compensate and denounce intimate partner violence
In a recent landmark Ontario case, Ahluwalia v. Ahluwalia, an Ontario court recognized “family violence” as an independent tort and ordered the husband to pay the wife compensatory, aggravated, and punitive damages totalling $150,000. Their marriage was characterized by a pattern of emotional and physical abuse and financial control. The Court of Appeal agreed that tort claims are a valid part of a family law claim, but decided that it was not necessary to create a new tort of family violence.
The Ahluwalia case has been further appealed to the Supreme Court of Canada. Our British Columbia family law firm is continuing to monitor the outcome of that appeal. In the meantime, it remains open to survivors to seek damages for assault, battery, and/or intentional infliction of emotional distress within a family law case. We welcome you to consult with our British Columbia divorce attorney about the potential for advancing tort claims within family court proceedings.
Reach out for advice from a caring family lawyer
New Westminster’s Valerie M. Little Law Corporation is a great resource and source of support. Valerie will do everything to protect you and your family and defend your rights. She understands that no two situations are identical, and she we get to know your personal situation so she can tailor her legal knowledge and experience to best protect you and represent your unique needs.
To enquire about our rates or to schedule your initial confidential consultation with our New Westminster family lawyer, call or email today. We are here to help. Valerie M. Little Law Corporation is a family law firm that is centrally located in New Westminster and serves the surrounding areas of Burnaby, Maple Ridge, Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Vancouver, North Vancouver, West Vancouver, Port Moody, Richmond, Surrey, Cloverdale, Delta, and Langley.